The Wedding Community

Before you fell inlove, there were certain traits you could not tolerate, off course it is completely impossible to find someone who is going to like every single thing that you like and hate every single thing that you hate. So somehow how you have turned a deaf ear and blind eye to some of the things you hate with a passion, in a relationship this is called a compromise.

But why did you hate them in the first place? Do you even remember? how do you determine what is safe to compromise and what isn’t? has love made you blind to the right things or have you become your worst fear? How far does one compromise in a relationship? How long will your relationship hold while you ignore these traits?

It is the beginning of a new year, everyone is making new year’s resolutions, would yours happen to be forget love, it’s all about me this year?

Or is it the most famous one about finding your soul mate?

Past experience and observation have shown that no one really sets out to ride solo, but, correct me if I am wrong, most of those who found their soul mates are the ones who didn’t set out looking for them? True or false?

It’s still early in the year, if going searching was your resolutions, then my advice is hold that thought for another year, this year try riding solo! Let life surprise you.

“… I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood and I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” Robert Frost this man knew what he was talking about, everyone knows what is at the end of a path taken by many and daily, but a few or no one knows what’s at the end of the path never taken but available.

Riding solo means you can channel all that energy you channel towards relationships towards something else you’ve always dreamt of doing, for example learning how to ballroom dance, play the piano etc.

Bear in mind that you might still be single because your soul mate might not be in the normal path you walk daily….

Question to all those who are already married, during the planning period of your wedding did it feel like you were planning your wedding or someone else’s wedding? Wait did you even plan your wedding. Many people get engaged and the next step is to announce the big news to the loved ones. Some either assume the positions of wedding planners or the bride or couple choose people they trust to plan their wedding with their best interest at heart.

But are there any two people out there who have the same idea at any given point in time? I agree the ideas can be similar but they are never the same. Wedding planners are some pretty good sales personnel, at the end day no one wants to confirm that when they imagined their wedding it was not as it turned out in the end. There might be some aspects but its not the complete package they had imagined. This is because during the planning the planner had ideas that he/she/ they ran by you and you thought why not it sounds awesome, sold! What happened to your original idea? That thought that you had before and during their presentation of these brilliant ideas that eventually become your wedding? So I’ll ask again, whose wedding is it anyway?

For all those getting married and planning a wedding just a little something to think about.

The most important aspect of a wedding…

What do you think is the most important aspect and why? To me this has to be the bride? Why? Its simple when you attend who exactly is everyone trying to get a good look at? Yes it might be the happy couple but mostly is the bride. Which is she is hidden until the time of the ceremony.

With a Tanzania Muslim Wedding, the groom and his entourage (father, uncle and brothers) will approach the bride’s family to make their intentions known. The bride will be informed of the proposal, if she accepts the proposal she names her conditions and what she wants as the bridal price. When the groom agrees to the conditions given by the bride the wedding plans start.

The bride is appointed a sumo who is the bride’s mother’s best friend. The sumo accompanies the bride everywhere until the day of the wedding. The sumo performs all beauty treatments of the bride, hair, makeup and nails, . Bride's hands and feet are decorated with "mehdi" or "henna" tattoos. Perfumed oils are smeared on the brides body and she wears beautiful jewellery.

After the wedding the sumo prepares the bed for the couple, she places aromatic petals on the bed and makes sure the room is in a proper state for the new couple. This ends her duties as a sumo, the groom will then pay her an agreed fee for her troubles.

Usually most of the weddings would be organized during shawwal which is the tenth month of the lunar Islamic calendar.

Till death do us part?

If you’ve been to a wedding or have watched a wedding ceremony in a tv show or a movie then you know that this is a promise the bride and groom make to each other when they get married. The only wonder is that there are a few couples who keep this promise to each other. Im not married but I cannot fathom how two people who loved each other enough to get married decide to break this promise to each other and decide to get a divorce. I understand that things change when people get married and that there are some situations where a divorce is the only option. For example, if you are in an abusive marriage then please get out of there fast!

The situation im talking about here is the “we fell out of love” kind. How do couples let this happen? If you fell in love with the person enough to marry them then you must have believed that it is possible to love your partner forever. I prefer to look at the we fell out of love situation as the ‘bad times’ that as part of your vowels you promised to stick by your partner, “in good times and in bad”. Why not instead remember your vowels and look back and remember why you wanted to marry this person and why you had no doubt in you that you could and will live with your partner forever. Try hard to relive your good times together, I am almost certain that you would find that love you lost…

IMO…

Zambia- Namwanga Wedding Ritual;

This tradition is different from the previously discussed wedding traditions of the tswana, the zulu and the alambamento, in the sense that the with namwanga the groom is allowed to approach his bride first. When he finds her, he proposes and gives her a present (beads or money), this is otherwise known as an insalamu. The beads and/or money are a representation of his commitment and a sign that the girl has accepted the proposal.

After the insalamu the groom takes his bride to be to meet his family, it is then up to the grooms parents to approve or disapprove the proposal. The wedding and marriage arrangements will only start upon the approval of the grooms parents. If they disapprove then the groom will have to start looking for a new bride. When the parents have accepted the engagement and the bride, they then arrange for a katawa mpango to represent the groom’s interest. A katawa mpango is usually a member of the family or an honourable man who can best represent the groom’s interest during the marriage proposal negotiations.

To officially inform her family the bride to be takes the insalamu to her grandmother who then informs the bride’s parents of the engagement. The parents either accept or reject the proposal and then wait for the katawa mpango to arrive.

The katawa mpango has to know where the bride’s parents reside. When the katawa mpango visits he comes with a hoe wrapped in a white cloth, this symbolizes earth’s cultivation and fertilization. He also comes bearing gifts in the form of money and white beads. He knocks on the door and wait to be invited in, then falls to the ground and start clapping as a sign that he is there on a marriage quest. The hoe is placed on the ground with the gifts halfway between himself and the girl’s marriage panel. If no decision has been made by the girl's family, the katawa mpango takes the hoe back, beads and money are taken by the girl's family. If a decision of rejection is reached that day, the hoe is taken back. If they accept, the gifts are opened and the hoe is accepted once the girl acknowledges she knows the source.

The katawa mpango is then duty bound to inform the groom’s family of the decision, if the decision was positive then a marriage council is set up, the arrangements of the bride price (four or more cattle, plus a cow and a chicken if the girl is a virgin, a chitenge cloth, canvas shoes and a dress -- 2 blankets, a pair of shoes and a suit for the father.) begin. The katawa mpango will return to the bride’s family to finalise the bride price payments and on this second visit exotic food is prepared by the grooms family for the katawa mpango to take to the inlaws.

The Zulu wedding ritual

The zulu wedding ritual is very close to that of the tswana, when a man has acknowledged the woman he wants to marry, he and his family approaches her family with the offer of lobola which is usually 11 cows. Paying of the bridal price is usually seen as a sign of commitment from the groom to his future wife and it is also there to ensure her fidelity. In modern times money to the value of the requested number of cattle is acceptable. The difference between a tswana wedding and a zulu wedding is that in the tswana culture once the bridal price is paid you are considered married, the handing in of the lobola at the patlo is the traditional wedding ceremony. In the zulu culture the handing in of the bride price is the initiating stage of starting to plan the wedding(s).

When the lobola is accepted then 2 wedding ceremonies can be hosted, the western wedding where the bride wears a white wedding gown and the man a tux and the ceremony takes place at a church. The other ceremony is the traditional wedding. The traditional weddings are usually held at the grooms place, traditionally in a kraal. This wedding is open to everyone, there are no invitation cards and no need to RSVP. During a traditional wedding the groom wears a skin loin cloth and the bride dresses in a soft leather apron, traditional headgear and beautiful beaded necklaces.

When a man marries, he does not only marry the bride, he marries her family and ancestors as well and as such a cow and sometimes a goat is slaughtered as sacrifice to the ancestors. Even the gifts offered to the bride by the groom are not only for the bride but for her family and ancestors as well. During the traditional wedding beer is poured onto the ground to signify that ancestors of both families are welcome into the marriage. During the wedding the families engage in dancing and sometimes mock fighting.

Zimbabwe Shona Wedding Ritual-Roora (brides Price)

When a man has identified the woman he wants to marry, the first step is to identify a munyai (messenger) to convey the message and intentions of marriage(the proposal) to the bride’s family. the Munyai just like in the tswana and Alambamento rituals the munyai has to be a family member or close friend of the groom to be. The difference here is that the Munyai is not specifically an uncle or the father.

The other difference with the munyai of the shona and that of the tswana and the Alambamento is that he does not go directly to the bride’s family he has to find a high sport at a safe distance in the brides village and call out ‘’Matsvakirai kuno!’’ meaning ‘look here she is’. Any villagers within earshot who hear and see the munyai should chase and beat the munyai away from the village, the significance of the beating is simply explained as part of the shona culture. However others believe that the Munyai is chased and beaten if caught as before the proposal is made, the girl would have already moved in with the groom to be, to the family she is known to be missing. The Munyai’s announcement indicates that they are the ones in possession of their missing daughter and hence the attack. The Munyai never travels on foot to deliver this message; he has to be on a bicycle, donkey or horse, something to aid his escape when the villagers attack.

After sometime, the Munyai should make a second and sometimes third attempt at which he will then be welcomed. The brides uncles then discuss the bride price with the munyai . beer is brewed and served to formalize the settlement. The munyai then returns with the requirements to the groom to be.

The Roora is usually in the form of a cattle, blankets, clothes and shoes for the bride’s parents. The fortunate part is that the Roora need not be paid in full at one go, a husband can spend years paying the roora. However Just like the tswana culture the couple are considered married once the payments of the Roora have begun.

Angola Wedding Rituals- Alambamento

Just like the Tswana ritual, a couple cannot get married without the approval of the bride’s family. An engagement ceremony organized by the bride’s aunt and uncle is where the two families agree that the couple can get married provided that the groom has met all the requirements/ bridal price (alambamento) handed to him prior to or on the day of the engagement ceremony. The requirements can include the height of the bride in cases of beer, juice or coca-cola, a kid (baby goat) and shoes for the bride’s mother. The requirements can be higher depending on whether the groom has ‘jumped out the window’ meaning that the couple had engaged in sexual intercourse and the bride is pregnant.

On the day of engagement the grooms family (father, brother, uncle, mother and aunt) meet with the brides family, a written request for marriage is handed over to the bride’s uncle to be read out to all those present. If the brides father accepts the proposal then the groom has to go collect the requested alambamento. When the alambamento is presented and is complete and accepted by the bride’s family then a wedding/marriage logistics plan can be put on the table by both parties to be discussed and agreed upon. After finalizing the wedding logistics the two families engage in song and dance and drinks (can be the same drink brought by the groom as part of the alambamento).

I had (have) a great best friend, him and i did everything together, we were so close we literally behaved like twins. As life goes i fell for him and him me, our relationship was awkward at first but  it blossomed making it one of the best relationships i have had, it was so easy because i already knew everything about him. 

I believed this was it, he and i will live 'the happily ever after' life, but again as life goes we fell out of love. Things were a lot more awkward when we broke up. but after the relationship it became difficult to be as close as we were as friends. i hated that because he decided he cannot be friends with me it was impossible plus his new girlfriend was not happy with the whole idea of him hanging out with me. and i just kept saying to myself, "but we had been friends and really good friends long before we became a couple, doesn't that make a huge difference? shouldn't it?"

Eventually i had to let him go, i missed (miss) him a lot, i missed my best friend so much, everytime something came up whether funny, silly or important my first thought would be to call him, but i couldnt. I also met a guy, a great guy, he loved me enough to want me for a wife, so now im getting married and i really want my best friend at my wedding but he is also my x. what do i do?

What would you do in this situation? 

According to what I have observed from the weddings in Botswana, one thing is certain, a wedding cannot take place without first partaking in what is known as the patlo. The patlo is the ceremony where the bridal price ‘lobola’ is handed over or paid out to the bride’s family. Prior to the patlo, negotiations are carried out back and forth usually by the spouses aunts and uncles to determine the bridal price and how it shall be paid out at the patlo. The patlo is known as the traditional wedding, thus after the ceremony, the couple are known and can be referred to as married.

The bridal is paid out in the form of cattle or cash equivalent to the price of purchasing the requested number of cattle.

if the couple wishes, then and only then can they proceed to have what they call a ‘white or church wedding’ where the bride wears a white dress, and walks down the isle as is the custom of most weddings around the world. Food and drink are prepared for the reception.

People may marry according to customary property provisions or civil community property arrangements

A lot more shall be discussed about this, like what goes on at the patlo or the white wedding or what food is prepared.

Questions, comments, additions and suggestions are welcome.

Prince charming just popped the question? are you still in shock and totally exited? What is the first thing that you will do? start planning the wedding mentally, go scream out im getting married! call you mother, sister, brother, best friend etc?

i personally would call my best friend and start freaking out, "Oh my God! in enagged!"

but what would you do or what did you do? beacuse right after the wedding the must be the second best thing that a lady can go through.